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are you really pregnant if you don't complain about it on the internet?

are you really pregnant if you don't complain about it on the internet?

Not us, obviously, because there's no way I'm going to look this put together during this pregnancy. Also I'd never make my husband take a cheesy photo with my belly because it's just not who we are. 

Not us, obviously, because there's no way I'm going to look this put together during this pregnancy. Also I'd never make my husband take a cheesy photo with my belly because it's just not who we are. 

Being pregnant is hard. Obviously building a baby with your body is hard, but I mean that pregnancy is hard--emotionally, physically, psychologically, and medically. 

My body is not very good at pregnancy. My first was ten years ago, when my sweet Little A was incubating in my belly. Lord, was I SICK. Every day I would puke 10-15 times, to the point that my esophagus had tears in it that bled every time I puked. I could barely eat, and when I did it had to be very slow in order to keep it down. 

I had my appendix out at 3 months, extreme food poisoning at 6 months, and round-the-clock nausea for the entire duration of the pregnancy. I would have been diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum, but most doctors didn't really believe it was a thing and just told me to suck it up because being sick is part of pregnancy. Actually, a lot of doctors still don't think it's a thing unless you're legitimately starving to death from the morning sickness. 

This pregnancy is proving to be no different: I'm always nauseated, I can barely eat more than a few bites at a time, and I'm sick more times in the day than I pee. I'm so exhausted that brushing my teeth is akin to running a marathon, but I can't sleep for more than a few hours at a time because of nausea, vomiting, and the constant need to pee. 

I'm not a graceful pregnant woman. I do not glow, my hair is not luscious, and I don't look adorable. I'm rarely in a good mood, my regular clothes are too small but my maternity clothes are too big from weight loss, and my feet are already swelling by the end of the work day. 

I've been wanting another baby for almost a decade, praying to any god that would listen to let me have another. At one point I was sure that having another child just wasn't in the cards for me. And now that I'm finally pregnant...I can't even enjoy it. 

I feel incredibly guilty that I'm already counting down the days until this pregnancy is over. I thought that I'd cherish this pregnancy, but it's hard to enjoy it when you're questioning whether the process will kill you. I'm trying to enjoy it, I really am, but so far it's been the pits. 

And if you'll excuse me, I have to run to the bathroom to vomit again. 213 days to go.

The Gentleman's Guide to Vice & Virtue (Book Review)

The Gentleman's Guide to Vice & Virtue (Book Review)

Traveling the Okanagan Wine Region